Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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