I am midnight drunk by noon
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
