and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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