I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My life is pants optional.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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