So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
