history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
