He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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