I wish my penis had an off switch
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
