I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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