I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
