just survived the first fart of the relationship.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
