I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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