Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
