Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
