If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
