You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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