just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
