the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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