Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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