My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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