I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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