Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
