I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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