Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
