peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
