If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
