theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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