when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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