I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
