He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
