Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
