He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We got so high we made milksteak
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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