She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
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Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
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I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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