Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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