george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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