is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
