My hand turned me down
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
