I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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