Acid is not a monday night drug
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
