Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
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I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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