I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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