Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
