Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
