my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
