Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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