if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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