somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
