I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
