new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
