You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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