I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
