Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
