Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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