dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
