new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this boner is exhausting
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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