Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
