There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
