So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
