Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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