On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
