when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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