His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
