Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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