got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.