I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.