Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
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To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet