Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So much rum. So many feels.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.