there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure