so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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