I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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