i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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