Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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