My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
