The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
