Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
