Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think we might need a safe word for this...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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