Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
