Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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